O.C.D. It’s Not The Way I Want To Live!
I don’t like having to live this way. It’s really getting on my nerves. I hate having O.C.D.
The form of OCD (which is a form of anxiety disorder.) that I have compels me to count, organize, plan, read (re-read) Write (re-write) and includes symmetry. (which for me is my worst.) Constantly worrying that I will be at fault for causing harm to my family or pets. Even a stranger that I might somehow, inadvertently harm while I’m out. It takes a toll on my life and takes up all of my day. OCD is very complex and frustrating.
I have severe anxiety and panic attacks. Like I said, I’m a nut about symmetry and counting. Living with O.C.D. is not easy. I am constantly stressed, I honestly can’t think of a time I’m not stressed. It even messes up any sleep I might be able to get. Having to get up, check the doors, and windows. Making sure everything is off/on. When leaving the house I have even had to go back to make sure the door is locked, even though I’ve repeated in my head over and over, that yes, I did lock the door. I still have the urgency to go back and recheck.
With the fear of getting sick, washing my hands and using hand sanitizer, has become too much, as instead of washing just my hands anymore, I also need to wash my arms up to my elbows and then even my face.
And no matter how many of those stupid little online test for OCD that I take,(just to prove to myself that I don’t have it) and how many times I lie about a question that was asked,(to make the symptoms seem a lot less than they are) I still come out with the results, you have severe OCD.
Two of the OCD categories that I fall into, are
- Checkers repeatedly check things (oven turned off, door locked, etc.) that they associate with harm or danger.
- Counters and arrangers are obsessed with order and symmetry. They may have superstitions about certain numbers, colors, or arrangements.
I don’t want to be this way. It makes living life very hard. I have been staying in more and more for just this reason. I’ve been like this since I can remember. Counting markers along the highway. Not shaking hands. There are no wall clocks in my home, only ones to sit on tabletops. I can’t be standing there for hours trying to get it just right. No magazines either. There is no way I can use a dish towel or hand towel. It’s paper towels for me.
What a life I live, huh? Trying to convince myself I’m not one of them. There’s nothing wrong with me. And don’t let anyone know you have this dreaded thing. Hating myself because I’m not (normal).
So dear, diary, those are my hangups and complaints today. Will write more later.
Note to self- read this again later OCD Types